Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
So Intense, Could Almost Blow a Gasket
I realize this is an unusual title, but something happened the other day that made me think of it. I was at the store with my daughter, which is an unusual occurrence. Often, I find many excuses not to take her. This may sound really selfish and is, but I have a lot of reasons for not wanting to take her. For starters, if she knows that I am going, she automatically goes into pilot mode and wants to know, "What's in it for me?" Normally, she lacks motivation, but when it comes to shopping, she'll have a list ready in seconds flat that could take up to 2 pages. So, I find myself in an endless battle of saying, "No no no!!!", and because of her OCD, which is pretty common amongst people with Aspergers, she is in an endless battle of trying to persuade me to say, "Yes yes yes!!!" So, rather than waging war with her, making myself completely stressed and depressed that I have no control over getting her to stop, I tend to leave her at home, at least for grocery shopping. I try to save small visits to stores for her though. I realize that I owe it to her to give her some female shopping/bonding time. It just has to be on my terms! So, we'll take visits to Petsmart, where she can spend her allowance or she can come with me to a store, if I have only a few items to pick up. This minimizes me getting overwhelmed with all of the slew of arguments, persuasion tactics, and relentless unempathetic behavior that is so common with her. She wants what she wants and doesn't seem to care how she gets it. She definitely does not care about my mental health or understand how she is negatively affecting me and that maybe she should go easy on mom. She also doesn't understand the concept of you kill more flies with honey than vinegar.
This is very interesting because my younger son does understand this concept, and he uses it quite often and gets more positive results with me than his sister. My daughter has noticed this. In fact, at certain times, when she wants something, she will ask her brother to ask for her. She doesn't think that I know she does this. So, sometimes, depending on what the request is, I will say, "Ok." If she is askingfor fruit snacks or something minimal, then that's reasonable? If she is begging through her brother for a pet, though, then absolutely not! I even witnessed her telling her brother what things to ask for for his birthday. Fortunately, he's smart enough, and I heard him tell her, "No. I don't want that, and I won't ask for that." Still, you just have to shake your head.
Back to the store visit, I have gotten a lot more patient over the years, but part of the reason, I don't like to take my daughter shopping is she is sooo slow. If I am in a hurry, just forget it! She has no concept of time. The more I tell her to hurry, it seems the more determined she is not to budge and to go her own snail pace. Then, she has the nerve to tell me to slow down and wait. I've tried telling her to run and catch up on several occasions. Ha! This approach never, ever works and never, ever will. So, we're in the parking lot, and I'm waiting for her to get out of the car, so I can power lock my doors. I have to tell her to get out of the car. Then, I start walking and realize she's not keeping up. So, I slow my gait down, and it made me think of all the lessons I've learned in school and all of the values that society thinks of as important. It made me very sad.
It is these values that alienate people, who have Aspergers or other handicap, from the rest of society. Because of lessons learned in school, I have prided myself at being fast and efficient, striving for the best results possible, perfection, beauty, etc., and to a large degree, my values have caused a riff and difficulty in getting close to my daughter. I try meeting these ideal standards, while she drags along. I have been unable to get her to conform to society's ideals, for the most part, although she has picked up a few lessons, here and there, from people she admires, peers, grandparents, teachers, etc. It does make one question though how much emphasis should be placed on these values. Some people simply cannot be fast, efficient, perfect, beautiful, etc. No matter how much they try, they won't even come close. Where is their place in society? That is a very difficult question, and if you are a parent of someone, who has special needs, the answers are especially hard.
In a couple of years, my daughter will be graduating high school. The outlook is pretty grim. Fortunately, in the United States, our government does tend to take care of its disabled. She will be given a job coach to assist her because it is believed that with some guidance, she might be able to make some kind of living. There is so much assistance given to the disabled that most people are unaware of. Perhaps, in future entries, I will shed more light on that. The services through the Medicaid Waiver, group homes, and independent living services give special-needs parents hope and some independence. I truly hope the services will always be there. Without them, the future is grim, and special-needs kids, who grow into special-needs adults might as well live in assisted-living hospices or forever be dependents of their parents.
I also wonder about the future of jobs. It is so bad for people right now. I was downsized several years ago and, fortunately, found employment again. So many people are out of work though, and so many jobs that could be given to adults with special-needs have been outsourced, in order for businesses to cut their costs. The job market is especially competitive. I just have my doubts that employers are going to go against society's grain of values and hire individuals, who aren't fast, efficient, perfect, marketable, etc., unless the government gives them really good incentives. What's to keep the disabled from being left behind? Time will tell.
This is very interesting because my younger son does understand this concept, and he uses it quite often and gets more positive results with me than his sister. My daughter has noticed this. In fact, at certain times, when she wants something, she will ask her brother to ask for her. She doesn't think that I know she does this. So, sometimes, depending on what the request is, I will say, "Ok." If she is askingfor fruit snacks or something minimal, then that's reasonable? If she is begging through her brother for a pet, though, then absolutely not! I even witnessed her telling her brother what things to ask for for his birthday. Fortunately, he's smart enough, and I heard him tell her, "No. I don't want that, and I won't ask for that." Still, you just have to shake your head.
Back to the store visit, I have gotten a lot more patient over the years, but part of the reason, I don't like to take my daughter shopping is she is sooo slow. If I am in a hurry, just forget it! She has no concept of time. The more I tell her to hurry, it seems the more determined she is not to budge and to go her own snail pace. Then, she has the nerve to tell me to slow down and wait. I've tried telling her to run and catch up on several occasions. Ha! This approach never, ever works and never, ever will. So, we're in the parking lot, and I'm waiting for her to get out of the car, so I can power lock my doors. I have to tell her to get out of the car. Then, I start walking and realize she's not keeping up. So, I slow my gait down, and it made me think of all the lessons I've learned in school and all of the values that society thinks of as important. It made me very sad.
It is these values that alienate people, who have Aspergers or other handicap, from the rest of society. Because of lessons learned in school, I have prided myself at being fast and efficient, striving for the best results possible, perfection, beauty, etc., and to a large degree, my values have caused a riff and difficulty in getting close to my daughter. I try meeting these ideal standards, while she drags along. I have been unable to get her to conform to society's ideals, for the most part, although she has picked up a few lessons, here and there, from people she admires, peers, grandparents, teachers, etc. It does make one question though how much emphasis should be placed on these values. Some people simply cannot be fast, efficient, perfect, beautiful, etc. No matter how much they try, they won't even come close. Where is their place in society? That is a very difficult question, and if you are a parent of someone, who has special needs, the answers are especially hard.
In a couple of years, my daughter will be graduating high school. The outlook is pretty grim. Fortunately, in the United States, our government does tend to take care of its disabled. She will be given a job coach to assist her because it is believed that with some guidance, she might be able to make some kind of living. There is so much assistance given to the disabled that most people are unaware of. Perhaps, in future entries, I will shed more light on that. The services through the Medicaid Waiver, group homes, and independent living services give special-needs parents hope and some independence. I truly hope the services will always be there. Without them, the future is grim, and special-needs kids, who grow into special-needs adults might as well live in assisted-living hospices or forever be dependents of their parents.
I also wonder about the future of jobs. It is so bad for people right now. I was downsized several years ago and, fortunately, found employment again. So many people are out of work though, and so many jobs that could be given to adults with special-needs have been outsourced, in order for businesses to cut their costs. The job market is especially competitive. I just have my doubts that employers are going to go against society's grain of values and hire individuals, who aren't fast, efficient, perfect, marketable, etc., unless the government gives them really good incentives. What's to keep the disabled from being left behind? Time will tell.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Unpleasantries
I wish I could say that dealing with my daughter over the years was easy and something I looked forward to each and every day, but I could never say that with any inkling whatsoever of sincerity. Perhaps, a lot of parents with Asperger children feel this same way. She will fight me on every issue, until the cows come home and then some. It does not matter what the issue is, for the most part. Her job seems to be to make every simple task for me and others as difficult and painful as possible. I will give some examples.
Administering her medicine is a god-awful job from hell. She has two little pills to take (at the moment), which could be gone in a matter of seconds. Instead, she drags her feet. She tells me daily how awful it is to take, how it gets stuck in her throat, how she wants a different pill to help her lose weight, how the pills cause her to gain weight, how she doesn't feel depressed, when she misses taking them, and on and on. Daily, I hear that, and it so frustrating. I don't want her to take medicine. She takes it out of necessity to function in the real world. Should she go off it, she could have a breakdown. Everything we've worked up to to get her to this stabilized point could all be undone. It's a horrible position to be in for her, for me as a parent, for everyone.
Then, there's getting her to do a simple task like taking a bath. She stretches. She hemhaws, tells me she's busy, that she doesn't want to do it, that she hates baths, and on and on. I just want her to take a bath, a shower, I really don't care. She needs to be clean. I rationalize with her all the time about how important hygiene is, how if she wants more friends, etc., that she needs to conform to this societal standard. It doesn't matter what I say. She's tired. It doesn't interest her. It's unpleasant. She does it because I persistently bug her to do it, and even I'm not that strong to keep on her all the time, day in and day out. I don't have that much energy, and I just don't care that much. It creates an inner hardship for me to be such a drill seargent with my child and to make her do things that are unpleasant for her. Her persistent nagging does eat at me from time to time, and she knows this. It is her tactic to get her way in a lot of situations. She does it with me, with her stepdad, with her teachers, Everyone! It is her way to get out of doing the things in life that she doesn't want to do, and it will impact her so negatively in the long run. We tell her this (me, teachers, everyone). We preach this to no avail!
Luckily, this year, she hasn't brought home much home work. That's good, and it's bad. It's good because it means that I don't have to walk through it with her, read sentences, and tell her what to write. More or less, I do her home work for her. She complains that reading and understanding is too hard. She isn't retarded, but apparently, the way her mind works is it becomes overwhelmed easily with too much stimuli. Difficult tasks must be broken down into smaller chunks, so that she can easily digest the information.
Another thing is that people, who are on the Autism spectrum, are more visual. For instance, one year, my daughter's daily school routine was created for her in pictures. I had tried that as far as her bathtime routine at home, but she is so unmotivated that my efforts were completely fruitless. So, I gave up on the pictures and the note cards and just stuck to my routine of setting a microwave timer and running back and forth to and from the bathroom to make sure 1) the tub got filled with water, 2) she got her hair wet, 3) her hair got shampooed, 4) her hair got rinsed, etc. So many people take this stuff for granted. Their kids are independent and do all of this on their own without supervision. My daughter is 17, and she will do this, but it's never timely. She has no concept of time or schedules or anything. It's all on me to be her personal timer and organizer, which is not a pleasant job at all. I tend to give her a lot more time too than I should, just because it is so unpleasant for me. Seriously, who on earth wants to micromanage their child's every move and in a timely fashion? I'm like everyone else. I have other responsibilities, taking care of the house, working, enjoying what free time I have, taking care of myself. All the time I spend going back and forth telling her what she should be doing could be time spent getting other things accomplished, and that's what I do for the most part. I pace myself and juggle my priorities.
The bad thing about her not having home work has to do with her unwillingness to learn new things at school. She easily becomes overwhelmed and gives up easily. She's always been this way. So, in essence, she is taking very basic Math and English, and she's a junior in high school. She is smarter than that, but her interests are very finite. She loves animals and art but only on her own terms. So, if Animal Science involves taking the prerequisites of Algebra and Biology, then just forget it. Every subject she's ever taken has to be tailor-made specifically for her. She just cannot take general education classes, and a lot of people may struggle with these, although most people do not limit their abilities and learning the way she does.
Yesterday, she tells me that she wants a good-paying job so that she can own a farm with animals, have a pond, etc. My horrible job is to tell her how unrealistic her expectations are. I have a notion that she is going to be on disability, and I know that people on social security don't make very much from my experiences with them at the office. Over and over, I hear from so many different people how they are on a "fixed income", so I know what my daughter is in for. She has the idea that she is going to be wealthy and that all her dreams are going to come true and that mom and dad are just keeping her from all of these dreams by telling her that we can't buy her every animal she wants, take her out to her favorite restaurant every time she wants, let the animals have babies, take them to the vet for every ailment, etc. We are the enemy! Some day, she will learn that her parents and the school are not lying to her. We're trying to help her, but she can't be reasoned with. She knows all, and we're just stupid. Gotta love teenagers!
Administering her medicine is a god-awful job from hell. She has two little pills to take (at the moment), which could be gone in a matter of seconds. Instead, she drags her feet. She tells me daily how awful it is to take, how it gets stuck in her throat, how she wants a different pill to help her lose weight, how the pills cause her to gain weight, how she doesn't feel depressed, when she misses taking them, and on and on. Daily, I hear that, and it so frustrating. I don't want her to take medicine. She takes it out of necessity to function in the real world. Should she go off it, she could have a breakdown. Everything we've worked up to to get her to this stabilized point could all be undone. It's a horrible position to be in for her, for me as a parent, for everyone.
Then, there's getting her to do a simple task like taking a bath. She stretches. She hemhaws, tells me she's busy, that she doesn't want to do it, that she hates baths, and on and on. I just want her to take a bath, a shower, I really don't care. She needs to be clean. I rationalize with her all the time about how important hygiene is, how if she wants more friends, etc., that she needs to conform to this societal standard. It doesn't matter what I say. She's tired. It doesn't interest her. It's unpleasant. She does it because I persistently bug her to do it, and even I'm not that strong to keep on her all the time, day in and day out. I don't have that much energy, and I just don't care that much. It creates an inner hardship for me to be such a drill seargent with my child and to make her do things that are unpleasant for her. Her persistent nagging does eat at me from time to time, and she knows this. It is her tactic to get her way in a lot of situations. She does it with me, with her stepdad, with her teachers, Everyone! It is her way to get out of doing the things in life that she doesn't want to do, and it will impact her so negatively in the long run. We tell her this (me, teachers, everyone). We preach this to no avail!
Luckily, this year, she hasn't brought home much home work. That's good, and it's bad. It's good because it means that I don't have to walk through it with her, read sentences, and tell her what to write. More or less, I do her home work for her. She complains that reading and understanding is too hard. She isn't retarded, but apparently, the way her mind works is it becomes overwhelmed easily with too much stimuli. Difficult tasks must be broken down into smaller chunks, so that she can easily digest the information.
Another thing is that people, who are on the Autism spectrum, are more visual. For instance, one year, my daughter's daily school routine was created for her in pictures. I had tried that as far as her bathtime routine at home, but she is so unmotivated that my efforts were completely fruitless. So, I gave up on the pictures and the note cards and just stuck to my routine of setting a microwave timer and running back and forth to and from the bathroom to make sure 1) the tub got filled with water, 2) she got her hair wet, 3) her hair got shampooed, 4) her hair got rinsed, etc. So many people take this stuff for granted. Their kids are independent and do all of this on their own without supervision. My daughter is 17, and she will do this, but it's never timely. She has no concept of time or schedules or anything. It's all on me to be her personal timer and organizer, which is not a pleasant job at all. I tend to give her a lot more time too than I should, just because it is so unpleasant for me. Seriously, who on earth wants to micromanage their child's every move and in a timely fashion? I'm like everyone else. I have other responsibilities, taking care of the house, working, enjoying what free time I have, taking care of myself. All the time I spend going back and forth telling her what she should be doing could be time spent getting other things accomplished, and that's what I do for the most part. I pace myself and juggle my priorities.
The bad thing about her not having home work has to do with her unwillingness to learn new things at school. She easily becomes overwhelmed and gives up easily. She's always been this way. So, in essence, she is taking very basic Math and English, and she's a junior in high school. She is smarter than that, but her interests are very finite. She loves animals and art but only on her own terms. So, if Animal Science involves taking the prerequisites of Algebra and Biology, then just forget it. Every subject she's ever taken has to be tailor-made specifically for her. She just cannot take general education classes, and a lot of people may struggle with these, although most people do not limit their abilities and learning the way she does.
Yesterday, she tells me that she wants a good-paying job so that she can own a farm with animals, have a pond, etc. My horrible job is to tell her how unrealistic her expectations are. I have a notion that she is going to be on disability, and I know that people on social security don't make very much from my experiences with them at the office. Over and over, I hear from so many different people how they are on a "fixed income", so I know what my daughter is in for. She has the idea that she is going to be wealthy and that all her dreams are going to come true and that mom and dad are just keeping her from all of these dreams by telling her that we can't buy her every animal she wants, take her out to her favorite restaurant every time she wants, let the animals have babies, take them to the vet for every ailment, etc. We are the enemy! Some day, she will learn that her parents and the school are not lying to her. We're trying to help her, but she can't be reasoned with. She knows all, and we're just stupid. Gotta love teenagers!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Community of Animals
I have a community of animals at my house. This is a new concept for me. It's one thing to have a dog, cat or other domestic pet or even multiple pets. It's something quite entirely different to have an animal community. What an animal community is, (for those of you, who are as in the dark about this concept as I was), is a community, where animals of different species interact with one another and actually behave and get along.
I'll come home from work and socialize with the cat, who I'm allergic to, but she's very sweet. She has her little mannerisms, nuzzies up and paws at you, and is very friendly. She lives in our garage for the winter but is always trying to run into the house and so wants to be a part of the family and everything else that is going on.
Then, I see the dog, who is always excited and happy to see me, after having spent time away. She really likes to get involved with family hugs and jumps in, if my husband and the kids are rough housing. You can tell it upsets her, if either one of us gets irritated with the kids. She also has her regular routines. At dinner, she's always around no matter, who is cooking and is ready to shake paws, give high 5's, speak, etc., for some yummy morsels. I'm also the main person, who lets her in and out of the house for whatever reason. It makes me feel like kind of a revolving-door opener, at times, and does get old, especially if I am at home for long periods of time. She also very much enjoys spending time with me, no matter what I am doing. She's very loyal that way. Right now, in fact, I'm typing on the laptop, and she chose to be here instead of with the kids, who might play with her or my husband. I'm not sure why she does this. I'm not entertaining her or giving her attention. Maybe I'm just comforting to her. I won't look a gift horse in the mouth though and will just be content in knowing she cares for me. She also likes family TV time and looks forward to her routine of saying "good night" to every one of the family members. You couldn't ask for a better pet.
Our guinea pig, Oreo, is also Mr. Personality. My daughter carries him around with her a lot and takes him on walks with her. She has even crocheted jackets for him. He likes to scurry around, is very affectionate, and does like to eat fruits and veggies, when offered. He is most animated at bedtime, when he runs all over his cage, climbs up on his hollowed-out log, and actually hops over it. He is quite the excitable, little critter. I just love his animated personality.
So, part of our animal community is taking the animals with us, when we go places. We'll take the dog for a walk, while my daughter holds her guinea pig. Our animals all love trips in the car too and especially to Petsmart or the park. I often frown on taking all three though. I have concerns about my allergies with the cat, and the guinea pig needs to be in a carrier or could get messy in the car. I wish my daughter had more concerns about this pet and hygiene, but she doesn't. Her enthusiasm for her guinea pig far outweighs her concern for cleanliness any old day. That is more of a neuro-typical concern, I guess.
So, the pets in so many ways are like people. They all have their separate personalities and just add a whole different dimension to our family, a positive one. It is like they are dependents too, so rather than having 2 children, I have 5 (and 7, if you include the hermit crabs.) Just the animals aren't quite as high maintenance or as expensive as the kids, although they too cost money in the way of food, pet supplies, and vet bills, if needed. They add a nice dimension to the family, and it's so good that everyone gets along. They feel a part of us, and we are a part of them. We are our own community. They're not just pets. They are individuals.
I was brought up watching Tom and Jerry, Sylvester and Tweetie, among other shows, and didn't really think it possible for dogs, cats, guinea pigs, hermit crabs, and the such to get along. This is the environment, though, that my daughter has nurtured at our house. I think a lot of it has to do with the demeanor of our pets too. Our dog, Nina, has the sweetest disposition, and she is so curious. Any new pet that's presented to her, she immediately goes to sniffing and giving them kisses or grooming, as the case may be. The guinea pigs and the cat tolerate it very well and don't seem to mind at all and, in fact, seem to like the attention. (Generally, we try and keep her away from the hermit crabs, though, when they are loose.) Never have I witnessed this phenomena, until becoming a pet owner of multiple pets, so it's cool to me and just kind of broadens my appreciation of things.
I'll come home from work and socialize with the cat, who I'm allergic to, but she's very sweet. She has her little mannerisms, nuzzies up and paws at you, and is very friendly. She lives in our garage for the winter but is always trying to run into the house and so wants to be a part of the family and everything else that is going on.
Our guinea pig, Oreo, is also Mr. Personality. My daughter carries him around with her a lot and takes him on walks with her. She has even crocheted jackets for him. He likes to scurry around, is very affectionate, and does like to eat fruits and veggies, when offered. He is most animated at bedtime, when he runs all over his cage, climbs up on his hollowed-out log, and actually hops over it. He is quite the excitable, little critter. I just love his animated personality.
So, part of our animal community is taking the animals with us, when we go places. We'll take the dog for a walk, while my daughter holds her guinea pig. Our animals all love trips in the car too and especially to Petsmart or the park. I often frown on taking all three though. I have concerns about my allergies with the cat, and the guinea pig needs to be in a carrier or could get messy in the car. I wish my daughter had more concerns about this pet and hygiene, but she doesn't. Her enthusiasm for her guinea pig far outweighs her concern for cleanliness any old day. That is more of a neuro-typical concern, I guess.
So, the pets in so many ways are like people. They all have their separate personalities and just add a whole different dimension to our family, a positive one. It is like they are dependents too, so rather than having 2 children, I have 5 (and 7, if you include the hermit crabs.) Just the animals aren't quite as high maintenance or as expensive as the kids, although they too cost money in the way of food, pet supplies, and vet bills, if needed. They add a nice dimension to the family, and it's so good that everyone gets along. They feel a part of us, and we are a part of them. We are our own community. They're not just pets. They are individuals.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)