“Take the ‘Bad’ Out of ‘Bad Show’”

Life is like a movie. Sometimes, we play the role of the observer, where we find ourselves watching people interact and get really into the characters and their lives. We observe them make mistakes and want to take on the director role and tell them:  “No. Don’t do that! You’re making a mistake! You’re going to regret it!” It seems that no matter what we tell people, no matter how much we care, and how we know that we’re right, they’re going to do want they want to do.

What’s really disappointing is when you observe a friend or loved one, who’s in a bad relationship. Over and over again, you watch them repeat the same mistakes or take the same abuse. You know the person is wrong for them and that they can do so much better, but try telling them that. Plus, it’s downright painful watching them get hurt. But, what’s a person to do?

There are people, who thrive on toxic relationships. A toxic relationship is basically when one person in the relationship is a bully.  It can be a relationship with a friend, coworker, significant other, etc. What makes the person a bully is that they belittle their partner by insulting them. They may insult them about their physical appearance, their intelligence, values, beliefs or social upbringing. Superiority is assumed by the bully, and this type of relationship works because the partner, who we’ll call the “martyr,” buys into the idea that their partner is somehow better and wiser. So, if the partner says, “You are stupid,” that’s okay because they, themselves, might think they are stupid. If told, “You’re fat. You disgust me.” That’s ok too because they may feel that that their partner is right and how could anyone possibly like them in the state they are in? They are just so lucky to have that person.

Part of the toxic relationship involves manipulation.  So, if you have this bully, who is aware that his/her partner is sensitive about being overweight, unintelligent or unattractive , for example, then they will prey on those insecurities.  This reinforces in the martyr, their sense of low self-worth and the bully’s superiority over them.

There also may be a guilt component of making a partner want to stay in the relationship. Should they leave, there may be this fear instilled in them that something of a bad consequence will happen, and it will be all their fault. Somehow, fulfillment is derived from this relationship or there’s this fear of loss or injury that keeps the relationship intact.

A common, stereotypical example would be a domestic-violence situation, where a woman lives with a man, who regularly insults her, intimidates or threatens her with violence, etc. People, who know her, probably have tried to tell her, “Get out of the situation!” and “You can do so much better!” The problem is situations are complex.

·        Firstly, the so-called victim may not agree with you that they are in a bad situation. Maybe, they have a history of being abused or are so numb to the situation that it’s become their “norm”.

·        Leaving a bad situation might cause other problems. Maybe her life or children’s lives have been threatened. Perhaps, she has nowhere, no family, no friends, and no other support system to turn to.

·        Also, even though things are bad, her partner has this special, magical way of making her feel loved and valued. They have this connection. Maybe he tells her that no one’s ever loved him the way she does. Maybe he admits that he knows that he has these problems, but she’s the most important thing to him and that he can’t imagine life without her. And on and on.

·        There’s also that glimmer of hope that things will change, that the only way her man will get better or the only one who can put up with him is her. So, it was meant to be, for better or worse... Only in death do they part.

It is very hard to get through to someone, whose vision of reality is askew. You may view someone’s toxic relationship as being terribly dysfunctional and that they have put up all of these mental road blocks to reasoning and making positive change. As mentioned before, situations are complex, and solutions are not always cut and dry. Even if someone in a domestic violence situation could see the light of correcting their situation, they still need a safe place to go for them and their children, if any are involved, money for food, a support system, and insurance that the bully doesn’t come after them.  Also not everyone knows that there are community resources that can help them.

In my almost 40-years of existence, I’ve observed friends and family make bad relationship choices and have certainly experienced some of my own. There was a relationship, fortunately, that has faded, where I found myself placing too much emphasis on the partner as opposed to myself, to the point of near idolatry.  Whatever he wished for was my command and I basically claimed that his needs were mine.  I’m sure you can see how that might be a problem. Good self-esteem, where both parties are concerned, and balance is key to a “healthy” relationship. Fortunately for me, I lived and learned from that experience. Not everyone can move past their mistakes and learn from them, and some find themselves doomed to keep repeating them.

In another situation during college, I was in a bad marriage,--where there was no physical abuse, lucky for me, only emotional and mental--  I literally ran away from home to escape. At night, I would sleep on a couch in one of the women’s bathrooms at Purdue’s campus , until a friend took me in. Not everyone has the luxury of a support system, food, a warm place or even a bed during desperate times. Many may have to make a run for it, with just the shirts off their backs and what little money they may or may not have.

There are many different types of types of toxic relations. You may have examples from your own lives with bad friends, family relations, and others wanting to have the upper hand with you or people you care about. Next time, you find yourself observing someone in a toxic relationship, be a friend! Don’t be too pushy but do show some concern and make sure the person is okay. Help out, if you can!

Also, there are agencies in the community that can help that you might want to be familiar with. By calling 211, United Way’s referral system, they can recommend lots of resources. There are women’s shelters, the Rescue Mission, crisis hotlines, and many other services that can help men, women, and children in many aspects of their lives. With a little guidance, you can help turn a person’s “bad” story into a story of recovery and growth.

“A Cause Worth Dancing For”

Did you know that one in three women, around the world, have been beaten or raped?  Look around at everyone in this room.  Now, imagine that we are all women and that one in three of us have been abused. That’s a lot of us!  On a worldwide basis that ratio translates to 1 billion women, according to Eve Ensler, playwright and founder of V-Day.

Eve Ensler is well known for writing the play, “Vagina Monologues”. The first showing of this was in 1994. It is a series of monologues delivered by different women, who discuss feminine issues ranging from sex, love, rape, genital mutilation, menstruation, etc.  Every year, a new issue is added.  For 5 consecutive years, this play ran Off-Broadway and then toured throughout the U.S. Upon viewing this controversial, eye-opening, body of work, many women, who had been abused and unable to talk candidly about their issues opened up. Women contacted Ms. Ensler in droves, to share their experiences. These women inspired her to create the V-Day project.

The V-Day project takes place annually, across the globe. “The 'V' in V-Day stands for Victory, Valentine and Vagina,” according to vday.org. In the months of February through April, communities organize events that increase awareness and raise money for organizations that help women and men, who have been victims of rape, domestic violence, and other traumatic atrocities. Many of the events include Ensler’s signature play “Vagina Monologues,” documentaries such as “Until the Violence Stops,” PBS’s “What I Want My Words To Do To You,” educational workshops for young men, etc. V-Day began in 1998 and has ballooned to over 5800 events, worldwide. This year marks their 15^th anniversary.

To commemorate this, Eve Ensler came up with One Billion Rising, which takes place on Valentine’s Day. Part of the inspiration for this was a controversial comment made by Senator Todd Akin, where he mentioned that women rarely get pregnant from “legitimate rape.” Outraged, she wrote a letter to him in defense of all of those, who have been raped and explained that a woman’s body does not reject sperm, simply because it’s been violated. This letter was published in the Huffington Post. What took place soon after was an organized effort to create a new movement to protest abuses and to promote justice and gender equality for women, worldwide. This movement, “One Billion Rising,” is a reference to the 1 billion females, who will be “beaten or raped” in their life time.  One Billion Rising is a call for “women around the world and the men that care for them to join together to dance in a show of collective strength.”

Locally, Fort Wayne contributed to this movement at Parkview Stadium. We were part of 180 participating countries. Volunteer dancers were assembled. Media attention was given. Helpers spread the word.  A blog was maintained on onebillionrisingfw’s website.  Pictures were posted on Facebook and Twitter.  Several of them showed individuals holding signs as to why they were rising.  One such example stated, “My reason to rise:  So victims know they don’t stand alone.” Leading up to the event was a flash mob at One Summit Square.  Thanks to the efforts of Lori Block Keyes, Exec Director of FW Trails, who spearheaded this project, over 20 organizations were involved and many volunteers. Nearly 600 people came to the event. Terra Brantley emceed and was accompanied by Mayor Tom Henry, the Bad Apple Dancers, and the OBR dancers, who lead the crowd to demonstrate their solidarity.

All in all, it was an awesome way to “come together to show that our community is serious about not tolerating”abuse and taking a stand against it.  Next year’s event will be on Valentine’s Day at noon at Parkview Field. So mark your calendars!  Stand up in solidarity and join the international, dance movement to rise and stand up against violence for someone you care about!  

Christmas Legends – An Abbreviated History

Have you ever wondered where Christmas legends come from?  How did Santa Clause come to be and how did he become a part of our holiday tradition?  Who came up with the idea of decorating a Christmas tree, Rudolph the Red nosed Reindeer, etc.?  Here are some answers that will hopefully satisfy our curiosities: 

1. For starters, Santa Claus aka Kris Kringle or Saint Nicholas became a household name around the mid-15^th century.  He was a monk and well known for being compassionate and generous.   Travelling the country, he gave away his inheritance to those hungry and in need.  The most popular story he was known for involved him providing the dowry for 3 young women.  Their family was so poor they could barely put food on the table.  If a family could not afford dowry, in those days, a girls’ fate was grim. “Prostitution and slavery” were common outcomes. Saint Nicholas, as legend goes, knew of the girls’ potential fate and tossed 3 bags of gold down their chimney into their stockings that were hanging over the fireplace to dry.  Oh, happy day for that family! 

Here are a couple of other tidbits of information on Saint Nick:  “The name Santa Claus evolved from Nick’s Dutch nickname, Sinter Klaas a shortened form of Sint Nikolaas. The tradition of dressing up as Santa began around 1890, when the Salvation Army had unemployed men in costume collect donations to help pay for Christmas meals for the poor.

2. 2. Gift giving to children is said to have started with the legend of Babushka. Babushka was an elderly, Russian woman, who was visited by the 3 wise men, on their way to see the baby Jesus. They stopped to ask her for directions, as the star of Bethlehem was hidden behind the clouds.  She was also invited to go with them to worship baby Jesus and to bring him gifts. She declined, stating that she would wait until morning, when it was warmer.  When morning came, she could take it no more and continued for the rest of her days trying to find the Christ child. She never found him, but for every child she encountered, she gave a gift and a treat and has a special fondness towards babies.  
3. Decorating Christmas trees, “the German monk and famous religious reformer,” Martin Luther, is credited with this tradition.  Having gone for a walk at night, he saw stars shining brightly through a fir tree’s branches and was inspired to bring the tree home and adorn it with candles. He told his family that “it reminded him of Jesus, who left the stars of heaven to come to earth at Christmas.” Others liked Martin Luther’s Christmas tree decorating idea from the 16^th Century.  It has been adopted and modified, ever since.   

The Christmas colors of red and green are significant.  Red symbolizes “the blood of Jesus shed during his crucifixion, while green symbolizes eternal life, and in particular the evergreen tree, which does not lose its leaves in the winter.”

4. Another tradition with Mexican origins, the poinsettia was a gift to the baby Jesus.  When it was first picked by Maria, a poor, Mexican girl and her brother, Pablo, the poinsettia was actually a weed.  They picked it off the side of the road, as it was all they could afford.  Other children made fun of their gift, but an angel encouraged them to carry the weeds to the manger.  Once they were placed, a transformation occurred.  Beautiful red leaves appeared, and a poinsettia was formed.  

5. Saint Francis of Assissi, during the 11^th century, is said to have popularized the Nativity scene display.      

The origin of today’s Christmas caroling traces its roots to the 14^thCentury, thanks to the priests from the St. Francis order. During the 17^th & 18^th Centuries, though, a person could have been charged with witchcraft, imprisoned, and possibly put to death, during the Puritan rule, as caroling was considered a pagan practice.   

6. The “Christmas Star” was a “new star seen in the sky,” one evening by shepherds. This “star was so radiant that its bright rays spread light as bright as day on the gray hills of Bethlehem.” Seeing “this strange, bright star,” the shepherds “were frightened of the unusual shine”.  An angel appeared and said to them, “Do not be afraid; the star has come to bring you good tidings of great joy and to show you the place, where a little baby is born—a little babe whose name is Jesus and who will give peace and joy to the whole world.” From there, the angel disappeared, and the shepherds went to see the baby Jesus. The Christmas Star was their guide. 

During the 19^th Century , the Christmas Star probably first appeared as a decoration, when Queen Victoria and Prince Albert made the custom of decorating the tree fashionable. Until that point, the U.S. citizens could not display a Christmas tree, as it was considered a pagan practice.

7. Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer came about in 1939 and was created by Bob May, copywriter at Montgomery Ward.  At the time of his writing, his wife was suffering from cancer and was being treated at the hospital.  It is said that the inspiration for the story came from his 4-year old, daughter, who was sobbing and asked him why mom could never come home.  Bob, who could not afford a Christmas gift for his daughter, poured all of his energies and frustrations into this book that we now know as “Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer”.  His book sold nearly 6 million copies by 1946.  The song was written by his brother-in-law, Johnny Marks, and Gene Autry sang the original that sold over 2 million copies in 1949.  In 1964, Burl Ives narrated the TV story that has become a Christmas tradition for many of us.  The story has been translated into over 25 different languages.

This concludes our information session on Christmas legends and traditions.  “Merry Christmas to all and to all” a G’Day!

 

Skip the Perfume Factory!

It was an autumn day in October, about twenty years ago.  I was travelling amongst other students in Paris, France.  We were on a 2-day trip, and it was my 3^rd big trip, across the big pond, that semester.  I’d been to London, Dublin in Ireland, and now Paris.  This trip was going to be extra special because I had spent my entire high school career studying French, waiting for this very day to actually get to speak French in its home country.
 

In my early college years, I had dreams of becoming a foreign interpreter, travelling to foreign lands, and speaking multiple languages.  It seemed that I finally would be getting my first taste of what this life might be like.  At the very least, I could go to Paris and take in all of those lessons learned in French class.  I could see the sites, taste the food, speak the language – live, sleep, eat, think, dream, breathe in French for a couple of days.

The first little adventure was on a cruise ship. We had crossed the English Channel from Dover in the UK to Calais, France.  None of the students knew French so I assisted some with ordering hot chocolate and coffee.  I used very basic French and successfully ordered their drinks.  That made me feel pretty good. 

The next adventure was at the hotel.  Anytime you left the hotel, you had to leave and retrieve your key from the Front Desk Attendant.  At one point, I left the hotel and returned to get my key.  I gave the attendant my room number.  He couldn’t understand me.  I said room 253 in what I thought was very clear French.  Evidently, this wasn’t the case.  I repeated myself and even showed the numbers using my fingers.  He got mad and asked me to write it.  I did, although I was disappointed.  I was trying very hard to communicate with him in French, but it just wasn’t working out.

Another time, I went to a patisserie or bakery to buy some French bread, which according to my French lessons, the French eat about 3 times a day and carry with them everywhere.  I asked the seller for some “du pain grand”, which I thought I was asking for a loaf of French bread.  He was very confused.  I repeated it to no avail and even tried gesturing.  Then, he understood.  I asked him what it was called.  He said, “baguette”.  For the life of me, I did not remember the word “baguette” in my studies.

Later, I wanted to experience the Bon Marché, which is a very renowned, department store in Paris.  I figured if I was in the fashion capital of the world that I was going to see what clothing they had to offer.  I asked one of the attendants to see a bra.  Once again, she hadn’t a clue what I was saying.  It was frustrating.  I didn’t understand what was missing in the translation of “les bras”.  She went and got an interpreter, who asked me in perfect English what I wanted.  I told her and then asked her what it was called.  She said “soutien gorge”.  I was completely puzzled by that word and looked it up later and discovered that the English translation was “under the throat”.  I guess my French teacher had never brought that word up.  It must have been considered too risque for 12^th graders...

All of my trip was not spent confusing the French, I actually did manage to get decent directions at the train station. No interpreter was required.  I visited many sites that I had only read about and had not seen in person.  The Eiffel Tower, Champs-Elysée, Arc du Triomphe, le sacré coeur, (a famous cathedral), Pére la Chaise cimitére, where Oscar Wilde & Jim Morrison are buried, were a few of these.  The city at night was amazing and very appropriately called the “City of Lights” or “Ile de la cité”.

The main reason I got to see so many of these sites is because I chose to skip out on the guided, group tour of the perfume factory.  The teacher in charge was not too pleased with me, and I was lectured for going off on my own.  Quite honestly, though, I have no regrets.  I saw most of the things *Paris* that I had studied and learned about over the years and even went with a friend to a bar, where we talked with a local about the infamous Moulin Rouge and other aspects of Parisian culture. 

Oftentimes, I have found in my life, that the best lessons learned are ones uncovered, when you go off of the beaten path.  If I had the choice to do it all over again, as far as taking the group tour of the perfume factory or experiencing all of Paris’s gems and soaking in every detail, in a heartbeat I’d say, “Skip the Perfume factory!  Live life to the fullest, and remember,  a second chance may never again come along!"

This is the video version of "Up and At Em".  I wrote the original blog, with the intent of using it in a speech competition for my Toastmasters club:  http://youtu.be/enFgAmLnNio

 

“Up and At Em!”

“Wake up, Sleepy Head! It’s time to rise and shine!”...Wouldn’t it be just amazing, if those words actually worked?  I don’t know how many times I have said these exact words to my daughter, until I am blue in the face, and they just don’t work!  I’ve tried the soft approach.  I’ve tried the completely obnoxious, drill-sargent approach, and the only one who ever seems to get worked up over any of this is *moi*.

I’ve taken some suggestions from family and well-meaning people about dumping a glass of ice cold water on her head.  Actually, I never stooped to that because I knew who would be cleaning up that mess, but a nice squirt gun is pretty harmless.  So, I used this method for a while, and obviously, my daughter wasn’t too fond of it.  She woke up in bad spirits, and that really wasn’t a good start off to either of our days.  Back to the drawing board.

I’ve never been one for being a morning person, but my daughter loves a great, home-cooked breakfast.  There have been times my husband’s gotten up early to do this. He certainly doesn’t make a habit of it, especially not during the week, but when he does, he’ll mention “eggs and bacon”.  Then, watch her come flying out of bed.  Honestly, I’ve tried to encourage her to get up early and make her own breakfast...like that’s going to happen.

We’ve had this getting-up-for-school problem for over 10 years, and I’ve honestly tried all of the normal methods of getting her up.  There’s the alarm clock with the snooze.  Do you know who gets the snooze?  I get the snooze.  I let the alarm go off for 40 minutes, and she never wakes.  Sooo frustrating!  There’s always the calling out approach, “Amber, get up!... Amber, get up!!!”  That doesn’t work!  There’s gentle nudging.  Nope.  I’ve resorted to vigorous, rocking-the-boat, side-to-side motions.  That just makes her mad, and she’ll be up for a while.  As soon as I leave the room though, zzzzzzz. 

Sometimes, I’ll get these bouts of inspiration and try to do things a little different, to see if I might have a better outcome.  I’ve put on a live concert for her: (singing)“Wake up, little Amber! Wake up!... Wake up, little Amber! Wake up!”-- Do you think she appreciated that?  No!!  That’s ok.  It was more for my enjoyment, anyway.  I figure if I have to go through all of the trouble of getting her out of bed, I might as well try and get some enjoyment out of it.

My next tactic of trying to wake her was a little unusual.  I was looking at her bed and surveying the amount of space left around her legs, to determine if it was safe.  Then, I proceeded to climb onto the bed and jumped on it like it was a trampoline.  Boy, did that make her mad!

Out of the different feats that I’ve tried with her, there is one in particular that is tempting, but I avoid like the plague... Little brother!  If there is one thing that will get my daughter up, quicker than anything, it would be my sweet, little, mischievous rascal.  Sure, he’ll get her up alright.  He may not be alive, when she catches him, but she’ll be up.  It’s not exactly the end result that I’m looking for.

Recently, I conducted a survey amongst my Facebook friends about possible ideas of how to get my dead-to-the-world child up in the morning and have come up with some interesting responses.  Did you know that smartphones have an app for an airhorn?  I downloaded it on my phone, but it was disappointingly not very loud.  I did find a decent police siren app though.  I have yet to try it.  Also glass marbles in the freezer are another interesting way to wake a kid up.  From what I’ve been told, a child can’t easily roll away from them because they move with the body. Pretty clever, huh?

I am sure there are a lot more ways to wake kids up in the morning, and the list will keep growing, until the end of days.  With new technologies and clever, innovative ideas from desperate parents, a sleeping child will have no defense. On that note though, probably, a good, old-fashioned splash of water or an ice cube will continue being a struggling parent’s #1 resource.

My Mid Life Crisis

This is my follow-up to "Give You the World", which I had written about my daughter and her Aspergers. Now that she's 18, there are a few more challenges to deal with. http://youtu.be/qeoPbJRW9dg