“Take the ‘Bad’ Out of ‘Bad Show’”

Life is like a movie. Sometimes, we play the role of the observer, where we find ourselves watching people interact and get really into the characters and their lives. We observe them make mistakes and want to take on the director role and tell them:  “No. Don’t do that! You’re making a mistake! You’re going to regret it!” It seems that no matter what we tell people, no matter how much we care, and how we know that we’re right, they’re going to do want they want to do.

What’s really disappointing is when you observe a friend or loved one, who’s in a bad relationship. Over and over again, you watch them repeat the same mistakes or take the same abuse. You know the person is wrong for them and that they can do so much better, but try telling them that. Plus, it’s downright painful watching them get hurt. But, what’s a person to do?

There are people, who thrive on toxic relationships. A toxic relationship is basically when one person in the relationship is a bully.  It can be a relationship with a friend, coworker, significant other, etc. What makes the person a bully is that they belittle their partner by insulting them. They may insult them about their physical appearance, their intelligence, values, beliefs or social upbringing. Superiority is assumed by the bully, and this type of relationship works because the partner, who we’ll call the “martyr,” buys into the idea that their partner is somehow better and wiser. So, if the partner says, “You are stupid,” that’s okay because they, themselves, might think they are stupid. If told, “You’re fat. You disgust me.” That’s ok too because they may feel that that their partner is right and how could anyone possibly like them in the state they are in? They are just so lucky to have that person.

Part of the toxic relationship involves manipulation.  So, if you have this bully, who is aware that his/her partner is sensitive about being overweight, unintelligent or unattractive , for example, then they will prey on those insecurities.  This reinforces in the martyr, their sense of low self-worth and the bully’s superiority over them.

There also may be a guilt component of making a partner want to stay in the relationship. Should they leave, there may be this fear instilled in them that something of a bad consequence will happen, and it will be all their fault. Somehow, fulfillment is derived from this relationship or there’s this fear of loss or injury that keeps the relationship intact.

A common, stereotypical example would be a domestic-violence situation, where a woman lives with a man, who regularly insults her, intimidates or threatens her with violence, etc. People, who know her, probably have tried to tell her, “Get out of the situation!” and “You can do so much better!” The problem is situations are complex.

·        Firstly, the so-called victim may not agree with you that they are in a bad situation. Maybe, they have a history of being abused or are so numb to the situation that it’s become their “norm”.

·        Leaving a bad situation might cause other problems. Maybe her life or children’s lives have been threatened. Perhaps, she has nowhere, no family, no friends, and no other support system to turn to.

·        Also, even though things are bad, her partner has this special, magical way of making her feel loved and valued. They have this connection. Maybe he tells her that no one’s ever loved him the way she does. Maybe he admits that he knows that he has these problems, but she’s the most important thing to him and that he can’t imagine life without her. And on and on.

·        There’s also that glimmer of hope that things will change, that the only way her man will get better or the only one who can put up with him is her. So, it was meant to be, for better or worse... Only in death do they part.

It is very hard to get through to someone, whose vision of reality is askew. You may view someone’s toxic relationship as being terribly dysfunctional and that they have put up all of these mental road blocks to reasoning and making positive change. As mentioned before, situations are complex, and solutions are not always cut and dry. Even if someone in a domestic violence situation could see the light of correcting their situation, they still need a safe place to go for them and their children, if any are involved, money for food, a support system, and insurance that the bully doesn’t come after them.  Also not everyone knows that there are community resources that can help them.

In my almost 40-years of existence, I’ve observed friends and family make bad relationship choices and have certainly experienced some of my own. There was a relationship, fortunately, that has faded, where I found myself placing too much emphasis on the partner as opposed to myself, to the point of near idolatry.  Whatever he wished for was my command and I basically claimed that his needs were mine.  I’m sure you can see how that might be a problem. Good self-esteem, where both parties are concerned, and balance is key to a “healthy” relationship. Fortunately for me, I lived and learned from that experience. Not everyone can move past their mistakes and learn from them, and some find themselves doomed to keep repeating them.

In another situation during college, I was in a bad marriage,--where there was no physical abuse, lucky for me, only emotional and mental--  I literally ran away from home to escape. At night, I would sleep on a couch in one of the women’s bathrooms at Purdue’s campus , until a friend took me in. Not everyone has the luxury of a support system, food, a warm place or even a bed during desperate times. Many may have to make a run for it, with just the shirts off their backs and what little money they may or may not have.

There are many different types of types of toxic relations. You may have examples from your own lives with bad friends, family relations, and others wanting to have the upper hand with you or people you care about. Next time, you find yourself observing someone in a toxic relationship, be a friend! Don’t be too pushy but do show some concern and make sure the person is okay. Help out, if you can!

Also, there are agencies in the community that can help that you might want to be familiar with. By calling 211, United Way’s referral system, they can recommend lots of resources. There are women’s shelters, the Rescue Mission, crisis hotlines, and many other services that can help men, women, and children in many aspects of their lives. With a little guidance, you can help turn a person’s “bad” story into a story of recovery and growth.